musim ini

musim ini musim limbung karena ia abu-abu...
selain katanya warna abu-abu lagi nge-trend bersama tentunya warna ungu,
menjadi abu-abu dan menerima diri dan pandangan yang abu-abu adalah menjdai dewasa, ini menurut Pak Dede (M.Chatib Basri) di kuliah seminar ekonomi internasional semester lalu.
Beliau bilang, bahwa jangan takut ketika kita memandang sesuatu bukan lagi putih atau hitam, tapi abu-abu. Karena sesungguhnya segala sesuatu selalu bukan hanya bisa dipandang dari satu sisi saja. Dan sesungguhnya ketika kita sudah mampu melihat segala sesuatu sebagai sesuatu yang abu-abu, itu artinya kita sudah semakin dewasa...

musim ini abu-abu...
dan pertanyaan seperti posisinya di spektrum warna abu-abu itu sendiri tidak perlu dijawab sekarang...

Cheers !

about surrenderness (contemplation cont'd)

i just concluded that there are steps to be followed in order to surrender.
after several end of year talks and inspirational calls...
i concluded that i missed a step or two that makes my try to surrender becomes here and there weakened... because i just realized the the continuum of being surender itself, and apparently, i think, the continuum goes like this:

1. Accept
2. Forgive (it's not that you are angry or upset. it's not only about forgiving others as well. it's about forgiving ourselves, forgiving things that happened, forgiving the circumstances and all the situations to occur, forgiving actions and reactions we did, etc...)
3. Surrender

and lately, i surrender by smiling,
smile until my eyes smile,
smile until my ears smile,
smile until my lungs smile,
smile until my lever smiles,
smile until my heart smiles,
smile until my stomach smiles,
smile until my spine smiles,
smile until my kidney smile,
smile until my thighs smile,
smile until my knees smile,
smile until my feet smile,
smile untill my blood smiles,
smile until my soul smiles

closure

we, the one who define ourselves as grown-ups, are sometimes to pragmatic to always demand for explanation and closure..
most of times, it is only for the sake of justification or even repetition. But even a glimps of justification is what matters to us, the grown-ups.
it seems like our tools of faith and the so-called belief are no longer authentic enough to be able to force assurance and secureness we need.
but sometimes, we come to a point that we just refuse to have any closure or explanation. maybe we just don't want to hear what we are going to hear from them. we are just not brave enough to face it. or in some extend, we, as again the grown-ups, just don't see any relevant reason to be provided by such closure and explanation.
does the reason to have these closures and axplanations matter to measure our so-called maturity ?
i really don't know.
but often, people use them as tools to measure that so-called maturity.
but after all, we would say "what the heck" of what people think.
and in the end, maybe it's not the matureness that matters, it's the faith and belief we hold on to that matters...
but...
what if we no longer, or temporarily, have that faith or belief ????

[almost fiction] pasang surut

berlanjut dan tidak pergi
seperti laut
yang terus pasang surut
tapi tidak pernah pergi

kadang bisa nikmat
sambil bawa derita
terus indah
dan terasa gundah

bisa juga lelah

tenang saja, karena semua tak akan membuatnya padam
akan terus hidup, berdetak, bermimpi dan lanjut menari
iringan lega bersama iman

Kamis 11 Desember 2008
Cakewalk, 16:34

[almost fiction] of understand

We just don’t understand
And we are just not yet able to understand why we can’t understand
We do want to understand
And we want to be understood that we just don’t understand

But then we start to understand
That it is not something easily understood
But then we start to understand
That even if we understand, it may not be similarly and simetrically understood

So let’s understand
That we just don’t understand
So let’s understand
That we are not understood that we just don’t understand

24 Oktober 2008
13:51

questions to questions: a conquest ?

a friend told me once, "we will be always questioning. after we find the answers, we find new questions."

i think i justnow accept that notion.

the last semester break was featured by series of denials, freefalls, renounce, and surrenderness..

but gratefully i finally assure myself that i still have things to work on..
and i accept that he is right.

yesterday, i asked a friend who studied phsycology and now is pursuing further study on phsycology. She said, "each of us has our own development task on every ladder of phsycological development. Each ladder preserves us with new tasks."

i replied, still with questions. "Does it mean that after each of the ladder accomplished and we enter the new ladder we become again like 'a child' of that particular ladder ?"

She answered. "Yes."

Yup. After series of denials, freefalls, renounce, and surrenderness..

i think i am accepting my stage now. accept all the new confusions, all the new questions.
accept that i become once again 'a child'.
accept that the only way is to embrace the new conquest.

hope others will understand. hope i can happily and excitedly share my conquest to the first person introduced me with such humble notion, and find his gracious smile he always has each time i finally agree with him.

pray 1

Ramadhan taught me and trained me a lot of things this year.
One of them is to be satisfied to only be able to give prayers to people i care.
It makes me realize also that prayers are actually the most beautiful and sincere gift one can present.

Tonight, i have to finish my exam assignment which is due tomorrow. But i couldn't get out of my mind of things unrelated with my exam. Maybe because of emotions and lust [hihihihi..]

But then... i let myself to dive into the emotions.. and there i was, praying...
*sigh* it feels peaceful...

maybe this is to private, but can't help not to post it ;p

Ya Allah yang Maha Pengasih dan Pemurah…
Dan shalawat dan salam kepada kekasihMu Nabi Muhammad SAW…

Ijinkanlah aku meminta ya Tuhanku…

Apapun kesimpulannya nanti, buatlah dalam kesimpulan tersebut tidak ada yang merasa disakiti, tidak ada yang merasa ditinggalkan dan tidak ada yang merasa diduakan...
Apapun kesimpulan yang telah Kau siapkan ya Allah, penuhilah kami dengan cinta...
Apapun kesimpulan yang kami tuju dengan RidhoMu ya Tuhan kami, jadikanlah itu bukan akhir, dan perbaikilah setiap kata “akhir” yang telah kami ucapkan selama ini menjadi awal yang penuh berkah dan ridho dariMu..
Apapun kesimpulan yang Kau berkahi tersebut ya Allah, maka jadikanlah setiap langkah, setiap nafas, setiap rasa dalam proses yang kami jalani Kau penuhi dengan keikhlasan, kesabaran, cinta, tuntunan serta hidayahMu dan baik sangka padaMu ya Rabb..

Kabulkanlah doa ku ini ya Allah...
Karena hanya kepadaMu lah kami meminta, hanya kepadaMu lah kami memohon pertolongan dan hanya Engkau lah yang kami sembah...

Amin ya Robbal Alamin....

Which Laskar Pelangi do you like the most ???

Me ?!!
i love Mahar
hehhehe

soulmates

do you believe in soulmates ????????
do you believe that one may have more than one soulmate ?????

free fall[s]

had never known that to free fall can be sooooo GOOD !!!

Book: In A Free State by V.S. Naipaul

Isn't this a success of a man's compound reflection ??? :)

V.S. Naipaul on In A Free State, "One Out of Many":
To be empty is not to be sad. To be empty is to be calm. It is to renounce.
[p. 55]

the Euphoria of Facebook

Mensch !!!
are human getting more social being or what ????
hehhe

how to understand these ?

i have never been able to understand the concept of breaking up.
i do not understand the concept of discarding a person or people from your circle of relationships.
i do understand the concept of transforming a kind of relationship to another.
but still i can't understand the concept of disconnecting connections and linkages we have to others...
man !!! why do other people can do it so easily ?
and why do other people even have the will to do such things ??

Bolero by Ravel

Bolero is a classical piece made by Ravel.
i have been searching for its CD for years in Jakarta, but happen to haven't found any.
Is there anyone of you would love to offer an aid ??? hehhehe

National Education Day

Yep ! It's today.

i'm overwhelmed with all those reflections and evaluation the public, the government, the press made today. Too many disfunctionalities, too many incapabilities, too many distortions, here and there and everywhere in our beloved nation...

at least, i know i would be the one who worsens this whole problematic education system if i, one of those lucky enough enjoying 18millions rupiah subsidy per month, don't seize the whole benefit of studying in the best economics school in Indonesia...

it's at the cost of the whole society that we get this whole sophisticated education facilities especially we in University of Indonesia receive, and it should be more than individual benefit but also more positive externalities that the society should regain after...

let's....

let's be thankful to anger
let's be thankful to hartridge
let's be thankful to pain
let's be thankful to dissappointment
let's be thankful to unmaturity
let's be thankful to difficulties
let's be thankful to not-knowing-everything
let's be thankful to overwhelmth
let's be thankful to frustation
let's be thankful to imperfection

drunk ?

since i've never got drunk. is there anyone please enough to tell me the feeling of getting drunk ???

two feet

Left foot: Gita’s foot
Right foot: Kiki’s foot

Now, relativity does indeed matter… is it that Gita’s foot seems to be too big ? or Kiki’s foot seems to be too small ?

Film: : August Rush

Have you watched this movie ?

As a person who believes and acts based on connections between people, i shivered watching the movie which shows the strong connection of love and faith between a two-loving couple and their child.

The movie itself is OK, despite its exaggerating script, hehhe..

But i was shrugged by myself, as i realized the message it has: Faith.

Faith is something we, normal people, hold on to unconciously, for example to family values, to parents, to bestfriend, or to religion.

But the most intriguing message is that we can create Faith.

What matters is that we becomes reluctant to create faith toward anything because we are easily drifted by unsincerity or implicit intentions we confront in conducting our daily lives.

So, just as a reminder of what Faith is.. here i post some definitions of faith, copied from The American Heritage Dictionary. Hope it will help you to build faith again... :)

faith (n):

1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. See Synonyms at belief, trust.
3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters.
4. often Faith Christianity The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will.
5. The body of dogma of a religion: the Muslim faith.
6. A set of principles or beliefs.

Book: The Little Prince / Der Kleine Prinz / Le Petit Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupéry

I just found the book again while I was “diving” through my exchange year stuffs.
I couldn’t resist not to read it again.

It is calming to read one of the famous lines it has :
“Man sieht nur mit dem Herzen gut. Das Wesentliche ist fuer die Augen unsichtbar.“
the translation is approximately like this:
“Man can only see well with the heart. The essential can not be seen by the eyes.”

I followed the first chapter and got resurprised of what Saint-Exupéry would like to say:
Mature people can not understand things from themselves, they always need explanations.

Yes, explanations. It stroke me harshly this morning reading the book.
We do always need to get explanations. Sometimes the reasons are recognitions, affirmations, or just repetitions. Why is it so that by the time we grow up, we are even more afraid or lazy to see ? to really see ? We are discouraged by our own unfreedom of creativity or imagination. Or we sometimes are discouraged by dishonesty, masks, or we are to proud of just understanding superficial things.
Is it because human relations is already lack of belief, of trust, of good intention ????